Breakdown?

Weird day.

Everything started off great. I got up and we packed some stuff into the camper for out holiday next week (we're going camping in Scotland).

Then Alex and I went into town to return some library books and get some shopping. While there we got a new string for his guitar and put a deposit down on something better quality.

I bought some dye - I dyed my hair purple a few weeks ago and now it's a dull red colour.

When we got home I had a house full of teenagers. I had a bit of a moan that Matt was upstairs in his room when he was supposed to be downstairs (he'd agreed to look after Isis) and that they'd been smoking in the porch with the window open instead of the door - again!

Then Matt dyed my hair and we watched the premier of the new season of Doctor Who.

Eventually Matt and his friends all went out, I dyed Alex's hair (plum tint) and ordered a takeaway, took Mum to work, took Isis & Kim for a quick walk.

When I got back, I sat down to work on my crochet hexagon blanket and almost immediately Alex asked if I'd give him a hand to change his bed.

This is something we fight about on a regular basis - I don't mind helping him, but during the day! Asking me in the evening just starts a fight, we can never find a sheet to fit, or a duvet cover (I'm woefully short on bed linen now everyone seems to have a double bed, but I've got enough single bed sized for a hospital!). But I sighed and agreed to help him.

When I got up my sewing needle disappeared down between the cushions.

I just flipped!

I pulled the sofa out, hunted around, vacuumed up all the dust that had accumulated under there (where does it come from?), screamed at Alex who screamed back at me.

Eventually, Alex took himself off for a walk to calm down and in a fit of temper I pulled the king sized sheet off Matt's double bed (he'll get it in the neck when he gets home!) and put it on Alex's bed (pulling my back in the process!). Alex had the grace to thank me when he got home.

Then next thing I know (I don't even know how it happened), I was screaming at Kyle about how he doesn't keep his cats litter tray clean enough and that his room is disgusting and smells due to the litter tray. Kyle was screaming at me because I'd refused to let him have friends over to stay while we're away (I don't really know these ppl and I don't want them in the house unsupervised).

He cleaned his tray, I put a duvet cover on Alex's bed, Kyle vacuumed his room. The vacuum made a funny noise, Alex & I went to investigate. Kyle had vacuumed up a piece of paper and caused the cleaner to make an 'elephant noise'.

I was saying something to Kyle about how you can't vacuum up certain things because it clogs it and I sat on his bed.

Right onto the (full) cat water bowl.

I just went ballistic, threw my slippers over the banister, stormed downstairs, stripped my leggings and underwear off (I had a cold wet bum!).

Then I sat down, picked up Isis....and I cried.

I cried and sobbed and sobbed.

Kyle came in and apologised and I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe properly.

Then Alex came in and gave me tissue and hugged me. Then he persuaded me to get dressed and we went out for a walk.

I don't feel any better and I feel awful for yelling at them both.

I'm having one of those 'I'm a single parent and I'm drowning' moments, I think. It's very very hard, you get very little thanks, it's always your fault, they never seem happy.

There's so much negativity.

So why do we soldier on? Because I love them. I may not always like them, but I love them. I expect they hate me most of the time, but I hope they love me sometimes too. There are moments, a shared laugh, watching them grow, learn and become their own person. Those moments that your kids - the same kids you hated half an hour ago for making you sooooo mad - they remind you that they're the centre of your world and life would be so very different without them.

I don't know why today happened the way that it did, but it did and I can't change it. I've apologised to both Kyle and Alex. I've cried all over Isis. My back hurts. My head hurts.

Today was one of those weird days, where it started out great and someone flicked a switch somewhere and turned everything upside down.

I hope tomorrow is better.